The world will keep spinning, but pretty soon it will whack you on the head.

I can't say this week was anywhere near good. Sure, I was able to coax a laugh out of myself once in a while, but never has my smile been less genuine. For a moment the world was a black hole...a never-ending negative force that would continually suck you into its intense vortex. Even my own words choke me. Nothing has ever been this confusing.

And yet, to say it was a catastrophe would be an exaggeration. Once in a while, a voice in my head would remind me, "Girl, here you are overreacting again when you could be having the time of your life." I'd push that voice away, too lazy to even consider the possibility of any relief.

I wasn't the only one being sucked into the black hole though. Many companions were in their own dark bubble, engulfed in heavy metal music and the belief that there was no hope. Back at school it almost seemed like a trend to actually feel bad. Everywhere--and I mean this literally--you would see somebody crying over the loss of something, doing nothing, the chaos of everything.

The drama did not end there. Even at home, pages of unspoken words would explode in everyone's faces, and there could be no worse time. I couldn't understand myself either. I had no reason to be this sad, things weren't as bad for me as it were for some people I know. But when it hits you, it hits you. You can't help but give in.

Being the so-called 'sage' in the group, I am often randomly dragged by the arm into corners of the classroom, hearing people say, "Hey, he's having a hard time, comfort him." I do the best I can, but honestly, I don't have a clue how to make people feel better. It seems so easy to solve when you're just an onlooker, but when you come face-to-face with the problem itself, it's only then that you realize...it's not as pie as it looks.

Luckily though, some people find my advice quite comforting, and that's all I need it to be.

I have a hard time explaining it to others. Heck, I can't even explain it to myself. Maybe it's time I step back and truly think about what happened to this "path" I was supposed to be taking, and why it all of a sudden swerve into remote corners of my moral compass.

Then I stumble upon this video on YouTube.

I fell off my chair.

Ikaw, na hindi ko namalayan.

Maski ang bahay niya sa Pet Society, hango sa bahay niya doon sa Quezon. Hindi niya nilagay ang tissue holder sa tabi ng bath tub dahil alam niyang mababasa ito. Ang kanyang mga credit card, naka-arrange sa kulay ng bahaghari sa kanyang wallet. R-O-Y-G-B-I-V. May bilang ang bawat kilo ng bigas na kinakain niya buwan-buwan, at hindi siya iinom ng kape kung hindi ito Starbucks.


Ilang linggo ko na rin siyang pinagmamasdan, at hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko magawang lumapit sa kanya. Parang may invisible forcefield na humihila sa akin palayo sa kanya.


Biglaan, habang nakatalikod ako maririnig ko ang kanyang boses ay biglang tataas. Lilingon ako, na parang ako ang pinagtawanan. Hindi niya ako kilala. Eh ayaw ko naman magpakilala. Ano ba problema ko? Sasabihin ba naman ng ate kong nangingialam sa inbox ng cellphone ko, bakit walang nagtetext sa iyong babae? Habangbuhay ka na lang ba mag-iisa? Nako, mag ti-25 ka na, wala ka pang girlfriend! Sabay magtatakang titingin sa akin.


Siguro takot lang ako, ayaw kong aminin na hindi ko mahahanap ang tapang sa sarili. Ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang ganitong takot. Pero takot saan? Balita ko, hindi naman yata siya nangangagat. Mabait siya, madaling kausap at patawa. Ano ba ang kinatatakutan ko?


Araw-araw, kapag 2:30 ng hapon, makikita ko siyang nakaupo sa isang silid sa Starbucks, madalas ay maraming kasama, naka-white t-shirt at pants na sa sobrang haba, "wishwish" ang tunog kapag pumaparada siya sa sahig. Inaabangan ko ang malakas mong tawa na parang Surround-Sound na umiindayog sa aking isipan. Ni hindi ko pa alam ang iyong pangalan.


Lapitan mo na siya, susog ng aking mga kaibigan. Kung hindi ay pagsisisihan mo. Hindi na ako maka-3 point shot sa kakaisip sa kanya. Pero sa sobrang bigo ko...sa nakaraan, sa dumaan...nababalot ako sa takot kapag nasa iisang kuwarto lang kami. Nakailang girlfriend na rin ako. Pero ngayon lang natamaan ng ganito.


Kaya naisip ko na kailangan ko na talaga siyang kausapin. Kung mapupunta siya sa iba ay lalo ko lang pagsisisihan. Bukas ay lalapitan ko siya.

*****

Nagtaka ako kung bakit wala siyang kasama. Hindi na rin siya naka-white T-shirt. Suot niya isang berde na bestida, pulang tsinelas at walang dalang bag. Hawak lang niya ang isang pirasong papel na luma na kung titingnan. Pula ang kanyang mga mata at nawalan ng kulay ang kanyang labi.

Ganito pa man ay gusto ko pa rin siyang halikan.

Sa di ko inasahan, bigla siyang napangiti noong tawirin ko ang distansyang nakapagitan sa amin. Mas maganda siya kapag katabi ko.


Amanda...


Nag-usap kami ng mga bagay na wala namang kwenta. Napapatulala ako minsan sa kislap ng kanyang mata. Ayaw ko nang alisin ang atensyon ko sa kanya sa takot na bigla siyang maglaho. Maingay man sa Starbucks ay wala na akong marinig. Kundi ang boses niyang parang anghel.


Mahaba ang usapan namin. Hindi na namin namalayan ang oras. Paglabas ko doon ay alas siyete na pala ng gabi, at limang oras na kaming nag-uusap. Agad ay sabik ko na siyang makita muli.

*****

"America? Anong America?"


"Kailangan mag-ipon ng Papay mo, medyo gipit tayo dun sa simula, pero kakayanin din." sabi ng aking ina.


"Magtatrabaho ako dito! Ayokong umalis," sigaw ko, sabay hampas sa mesa.



"Walang pag-asa dito sa Pilipinas, anak. Gustuhin mo man mag-doktor ay mababa ang sweldo. Doon sa Amerika, dolyares ang kita mo. Ayaw mo nun?"
"Dito na lang tayo." Hindi ko na magawang tingnan ang ina.


Iyon na lang ang gagawin ko. Yayakapin ko siya. Isang saglit, na para walang hanggan.


Pagdating ko sa Starbucks kinabukasan, wala siya. Tinakbo ko ang buong coffeeshop, umaasang nasa CR lang siya, o andoon sa 2nd floor, pero wala din. Naghintay ako ng ilang oras para huli siyang makita. Wala ng 1% na pagkakataon na magkasalubong kami sa Greenbelt balang araw, o kahit man magkita sa isang birthday party na walang kwenta. Kung nandoon na siya sa Amerika ay hindi na mangyayari iyon. Kailangan ko siyang makita.


Magpakita ka naman.


Nagising ako sa isang kamay na niyuyugyog ang aking balikat. Sir, magsasarado na po kami, alis na po kayo. Ilang segundo ang lumipas bago narehistro ng utak ko. Hindi siya dumating. At kung dumating man siya ay tulog ako.


Kamot-ulo akong lumabas sa coffeeshop. Wala na akong magawa. Isang araw, kausap ko siya, ngayon, hindi ko na makikita muli.


Sa unang araw pa lang ay dapat nilapitan ko na siya.

Marikina (Part I)

"How many times have I told you to keep the money where it won't get lost? Sebastian, you will never learn, you will grow old tanga and tarantado like your Lolo Epoy!" sigaw ng kanyang madrasta, na kaninang umaga pa mainit ang ulo. Nawala niya ang pambayad ng tubig at ngayon ay mapuputulan na sila.

Muli ay nagawa niyang magsinungaling. Tinaya na naman niya ang isang daang piso sa baraha, at natalo. Kahit ilang beses na mangyari pa iyon ay hindi siya titiligil hanggang makuha niya ang limanlibong pisong papremyo. Pwede niya itong gamitin para bumili ng regalo para sa kanyang sakiting ina. Nanay, isip niya. Pangako, babalikan kita. Iiwanan ko sila Papa at pupunta tayo sa Saudi. Doon ako magtatrabaho. Di ka na kailangan maghirap. Ako na ang bahala.

"Where is the money?"

"Ma...nawala." Hindi niya magawang tumingin sa kanya. Narinig na niya ang kidlat sa labas.

"You will explain this to your Papa. I will not involve myself in this. Peste ka! Mapuputulan tayo ng tubig!"

Wala na siyang masabi. Kapag nagsalita ay lalong iinit ang ulo nito, kaya pinili na lang niyang lunukin ang ipinagmamalaki. Wala siyang kwenta sa mundo. Kapag pumanaw siya ay wala namang magbabago. Hindi siya makahinga ng maayos sa sariling bahay. Binabalewala ng sariling ama.

Malakas ang ulan sa labas. Alam niya na may darating na bagyo. Napanood niya ito sa TV ng kapitbahay. Papatayin na naman siya dahil di niya nakuha ang mga sinampay. Basa na lahat ng nilabhan niyang damit kahapon. Hindi na importante.

Maikukumpara sa isang ibon na nawalan ng anak, sumugod ang kanyang madrasta, dala-dala ang isang bakal na madalas nang nagagamit. Ipinalo ang braso't likod ni Juan na tuluyan nang nanghihina. Namumula. Mas gustuhin man niyang matamaan na lang ng kidlat ay wala na siyang magawa. Kundi tiisin ang sakit. Sanay na siya. Iba ang pinagdaanan ng kanyang ina. Mas masaklap pa ang sinapit nito. Ito ang nagbigay sa kanya ng lakas ng loob na kurutin ang madrasta.

Nang naramdaman ng Doña ang sakit, hinila nito si Juan sa kuwarto niya. Sinara ang pinto at walang balak na palabasin ito. Kapag lumayas ay magtataka ang mga kapitbahay. Mabuti pa na mamatay na lang sa gutom. Disgrasya.

Sa loob ng kuwarto, naalala ni Juan na may nakita siyang lubid sa ilalim ng kanyang kama noong nakaraang gabi. Makapal. Kayang ikutin sa kanyang leeg. O, ano, sabi niya sa sarili.

Pakamatay ka na.

*****

"Ilang beses ko nang sinabi sa iyo, wag na wag kang mag-boyfriend!" he shouts, harsher than he intended. Deceived by his own daughter. He couldn't accept it. She was only 14. She had yet to learn so many things. Why did she do this? I spoiled her rotten, what more could she possibly want?

"Dad, you always taught me to follow my heart! And that's what I'm doing!" she screams back. Her father was now denying the very words that came out of his own mouth. Now she didn't know what to believe. Warm tears flowed from her eyes. She didn't stop them.

The heavy rain outside was nothing compared to his booming voice. "At basta-basta ka na lang hindi papasok? Para makipagkita sa boyfriend mong walang kwenta!" He tried his best to lose his Australian accent.

She had a reason for cutting classes. It would be quite hard to believe, especially for a man like her father. He would never believe it. "That's it? You're not even giving him a chance?"

His eyebrows furrowed. She had never seen him this angry. Maybe her mother had, but not her. He had always loved her. He would even go so far as to starve himself for a day if he ever blew a fuse in her presence. Today was an exception. For his daughter to be spending time with the son of Carlos Valdemor was beyond him.

Somehow, Chiara had only seen the distance now. The invisible distance that had separated she and her dad for years. It was the death of her mother that had pained him so much...she wondered how she could have been so ignorant to notice it now.

"Any man by the name of Valdemor will never have my pity."

"You judge him by his name, Papa! Can't you see beyond that? He is nothing like his father..."

"Antonio is no different," he said flatly.

"That does not mean we can't be together! Just because his father happens to be your worst enemy doesn't mean I can't be with Anthony. We had nothing to do with what happened!" Her voice broke twice. She rubbed her face. It was too late to hold back any tears.

"I don't want you anywhere near Antonio Valdemor. Not an inch. Or you will be sent back to the province, where I should have kept you in the first place."

"I will never give up Anthony. No matter what you say, Papa." She tried to keep her voice from shaking.

"Not another word. Tomorrow I will have your Tita Beth bring you to the province. For sure you will be no trouble."

Chiara wanted to yell, but she knew that would do her no good. She made her way upstairs, defenseless, vulnerable. She could never come back to Anthony. They would keep her away from him. And though her heart ached, there was nothing more to do.

She looked out her window. The sky was gray. It seemed the world was condemning her for following her heart. And so she cried one last time and thought to herself.

Now would be a good time to jump.

[to be continued]