bukas na.

Tomorrow's the big day. Allow me to use the cliche: It all happened so fast. Rehearsal went on for four hours, and then suddenly I found myself rubbing my chin even if I didn't have a beard. Talk about cramming. We managed to get ten songs right for tomorrow's show. And I am STILL in shock.

Actually, 2 weeks ago, the schedule wasn’t confirmed yet. So Selina and I were freaking out. We started to lose hope, but she assured me, telling me that “the good Lord will give us a chance to shine again.” And I clung on to that for four days, until my phone finally showed a sign of life (I know. I’m making it sound like I’m stranded on an island and have been starving for days). And there it was, the text I’d been waiting for: Rehearsals for ATC show: Curtains Up, June 27, 1-5 PM. Venue to follow, pls acknowledge. Boy, you should have seen the look on my face when I received it. I seriously flipped.

Now we're just gonna have to make this a good one. :)

the scientific method? helpful, it turns out.

I had been idly standing in front of a crossroad until my four closest friends pointed it out. And when they did, I wanted to whack myself on the head. It was all clear to me now. I had to make a choice--again. Why do I have to make impossible decisions all the time?


Tin, Jano, Ellis, and Allaine combed through the knots for me. We went through this the way Ma'am Marilyn would've wanted us to: the classic scientific method.


I was the bait of the observation. According to them, I seemed different--like something was bothering me. Short attention span, inattentiveness, the constant urge to go to the CR (wait, cross that last bit--I always do that). So they snapped at me and sat me down to ask what was going on. I swear, they might as well have put me under a hanging light. But I was thankful for the interrogation; it helped me clear out my head, and what could be better than four friends having your back?


After what seemed like an eternity of identifying the real problem, they started to brutally nitpick the pros and cons (something I'm very thankful for) but never came to a conclusion. So we tried seeing things in a different light. Ensuing further discussion, Ellis hatched a metaphor.


I was in the middle of a straight road, not a crossroad, Ellis said.


Running after me was someone I had let go of in the past. He was picking up pace, ready to catch me if ever I fell. The smell of his skin, the warmth of his arms...ever so familiar. It woke me up to memories I thought I had banished.


And on the road before me, within my reach, was someone I had yet to know, but had come to love. I barely knew him and he barely knew me, but somehow I felt that he was already a part of who I am, who I wanna be. I couldn't see the rest of the road ahead...unless I held his hand and faced it with him. But what if he would let go? If I never tried, I would never know.


(OBSERVATION: hmm. the paragraph above has so many unintended rhymes.)


My dilemma is this: should I run back to the welcoming arms of the past, or take a chance and face the future?


Oops. That was a wee bit too dramatic. But really, if I stop and think about it, that really is the perfect way to see through my predicament. Although, I do have a third choice (YES, I know I should have mentioned it earlier). That involves not looking back at Mr. Been There Done That, running ahead of Mr. Gotta Get To Know You More, and take on a life for myself. That would be the easy way out.


Mr. Been There Done That failed me...or maybe I had failed him. I thought this was for real, that this time, things would be different. I find it hard to believe him, even if I'm sure he isn't lying. Now I don't know who to blame for this. Is it him or me with the problem? Well, that didn't matter anymore. I have to let go. I'll always remember how safe I felt when I was in his arms. If I stayed, he would fight for me. But this girl's gotta make her own way.


Mr. Gotta Get To Know You is quite the rollercoaster. The funny thing is I had cracked up a lot last summer, but he was the only one able to squeeze a genuine laugh out of me. I was rolling on the floor for almost an hour, thinking about the bizarreness of the situation and how alive I felt. He's one of the people who make the road ahead so exciting. He makes me better. He inspires me. Bottomline: He's worth it. And all that cheesy stuff girls say.

So there's my conclusion.

Here's to me, ready to face the unknown. Wish me luck...and I do hope I'm not gonna have to handle this with the scientific method again.

Charger (an article I wrote for last year's school newsletter, Echo)

One rainy day, as I lay in bed with no intention of getting up, I looked over to my bedside table and found that my cellphone was low batt. 19 messages received, the display on my phone read. Everyone sends these so-called "group messages" these days (myself included). I was far too sleepy to read or delete any of them, and my phone was probably gonna turn off anyway.

Nevertheless, I stretched out luxuriously on the bed, and got up to find the tangled mess that is my charger. I found it underneath a statement tee that says "TAKE A PICTURE, IT LASTS LONGER". I plugged it in and stared at the battery display grow from 1/4 to full. It didn't take long for me to get bored, what with all the staring. I had a bad day. And it couldn't get any worse.

And it all started with a promise I made that I couldn't keep. The decision I made affected so many people, and I couldn't help but think that the whole enchilada was my fault and my fault alone.

Now, for my cellphone to regain its original joie de vivre, all I had to do was charge it, and it would be back to normal again. I could then stay up all night sending nonsense quotes to everyone in my Contact Groups list. But me? Unfortunately, I had to go through emotional toil and tears streaming down my face as I asked God, "Why me?" I didn't know why I had to go through these things, I was only a kid. I didn't understand why people blamed me for something I didn't do, and why they thought I was the one with the problem.

My phone's battery was full, and I unplugged the charger. You are so lucky, I said to my 5310 XpressMusic, that you don't need to go through what I'm going through. (Then again, it has to endure the endless pounding of my thumbs on its poor overused keypad, and scream out my favorite songs all night, so I guess we're even.)

Cellphones, when running low on battery, can simply be plugged in to a source of energy to help them become whole again. And right at that very moment, I realized that I was just another cellphone in a sea of cellphones, waiting desperately to get charged. I had an epiphany--call me crazy, but I felt a gush of energy speeding throughout my system like a stray boomerang. Right then and there, I knew that I had my Charger all along, my Source of energy and inspiration.

God.

So if you're feeling a little 'low batt', why don't you plug yourself in to God? He will replenish you and cleanse you of your sins. He's my Charger, and He'll gladly be yours.

run, baby, run!

And for two days in a row, classes are suspended. I'm really happy about it because it gave me a chance to get ready for our big show on Sunday. We're gonna have to kick it up a notch...or five. I'm in the anticipation phase...which, in my opinion, is the best part. Heck, this phase might be even better than the show itself!

Oblivious to the rainy (awfully close to stormy) weather, I went out with my mom, badly needing an excuse to get out of the house. She had to take care of some business before we could go shopping, so she left me at a nearby Jollibee to grab a bite. By some stroke of bad luck (or a premature case of Alzhiemer's), I left my laptop and my current read, Run Baby Run, in the car. So...I was forced to do something I wasn't used to: people-watch. I saw old women in tights (REVOLTING, I swear.) and little boys crying for the new Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen water jugs. A woman in her 40s asked me to share a table with her. I obliged, and went back to people-watching. In fact, I got so into it that I even took the liberty of sending a group message to everyone concerning what I saw. (ALARMING FACT: On average, I've been receiving 30-40 group messages a day.)

Having to eat alone is horribly awkward, and I ended up looking like a zombie while picking up my food. The woman eating with me must have thought I was a deviant or something. That aside, I saw that most of the people there were alone, oh yes, alone. Whatever happened to the outings? I began to think deeply when someone burst my bubble of reverie. Attempting to look peppy, a crew member asked, "Can I ask you a few questions? It's about what you think of Jollibee."

Time to bolt, I thought. As if on cue, my mom emerged from the entrance, dragging me out of the store in seconds. So much for what I think of Jollibee.

***************************

I was moody and confused yesterday, and I had no one to turn to. My relationship with God is currently looking up, a big improvement from last summer when I skipped my devos. I talked to Him about my problem, and kept reminding myself of my favorite verse from the book of Proverbs:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding."

And just then, I realized that in the past few days, I have been trying to do everything all by myself, never bothering to ask God to shoulder even a fourth of my burden. The verse jumped out in big bold letters in my head. I prayed, "Lord, I trust you now, and I know that your perfect plans for me will carry on. I will not lean on my own understanding, Lord, I will give you all my pain, and I know you will help me get through this..." I was saying that over and over again. It was so intense that I wanted to say my prayers out loud. Instead, I heaved my arms from my chest to the ceiling, as if to give up all my burdens to God. Yes, I even choreographed it...sometimes I have to act things out to really feel it. (What can I do? Theater got to me.)

After my dramatic epiphany, I felt whole again. God filled up that confused void in my heart and I'm thankful to the people who encouraged me: Sir Omar, Sir Nino, Sir Nestor (I hope you get well, Sir, we're all praying for you!), Ate Bea, Ate Rea, Ate Tin, Enrico, Jose, Kleojn, and my other classmates and schoolmates who have showed me how it feels to be in the arms of our Father. :)

I can't wait to sing for God again! Too bad classes were suspended today, so we weren't able to have our weekly chapel service. I hope we can have it tomorrow. Such a nice feeling to be making music with my friends for God.

Well, that's all for now. I caught myself in a pretty good mood, so my blog's pretty long today. I'll update you guys when, yet again, something interesting happens. :)

everything will change.

i never thought i'd say this, but...i find that i'm really enjoying school--it is whoppers more fun than having to sleep the day away at home. i'm back to my regular school routine, regular school schedule, regular after-school activities. unfortunately my body clock has changed too (i'm now accustomed to waking up at six in the morning, INCLUDING saturdays...bummer) but i'm all smiles. boy, is it refreshing to hit the books again.

once they're long enough, i'm gonna have to make my bangs layered again, cause when they're blunt they cover my eyes and make me fall asleep faster, which is NOT a good thing when you're with a boring Chemistry teacher. oh, joy. by the way, I heard about this book called "How To Read People Like Books". I forgot who wrote it, but I hear it's a very interesting book. if any of you happen to know about it, please tell me.

scientific notation killed us all last thursday (or was it wednesday?) 'cause it was one of our first lessons in chem class. we had to endure two long hours of the boring lecture. when the bell rang, all of us headed to the comfort room (a cutting-class technique--we stay in there for about 10 minutes) and start going crazy. imagine our surprise when we came back in the classroom and saw our math teacher. on the board were the words we thought we'd gotten over: SCIENTIFIC NOTATION. damn! so that makes three solid hours of scientific notation in one miserable day. which we didn't react too well to, as you can imagine.

i was taking pictures of myself a while ago, with my sister's 3210 classic. i even took the liberty of powdering my nose and drawing the curtains for better lighting, but i ended up with only 2 decent pictures. also realized that i look better in black and white. the thing about greyscale pictures though is, it sucks the life out of the picture, the moment. oh well. it's back to colored pics for me then.

i'll try to update this at least twice a week. if that's not possible, then y'all will hafta wait.

your eyes can stop a bullet

College seems like such a big word. I can't believe that in two years, I'll be out there, giddily enjoying my independence, but eventually feeling the splash of cold water on my face as I realize: This is your ticket to the real world. I'll soon be facing professors and landlords and bus conductors, just elements of the big picture. I'm not a little girl anymore. Soon, I'll have to fend for myself.

Enough college talk.

I was so used to summer. I joined a theater workshop to rekindle my love for the stage, and, oh, boy. I loved it. Having to say goodbye to it felt like a breakup--you had to stop thinking about it for a while and then slowly realize that there is more to life than that. (Okay, a breakup would be a bad thing to compare it with 'cause I'll be joining the workshop again next year.)

I planned on making the last day of summer wild and spontaneous, but instead I stayed home for half of the day and spending the rest of the afternoon at the mall. So much for wild and spontaneous.

First days are always usually a big blur for most of us, having to snap out of summer mode and get back to the books. I tried to make a clean transition by reading my textbooks in advance, but it only made me dread school more. Oh, the agony. But surprisingly, my first day turned out pretty well, and in fact the hours flew by pretty fast. We were like, "Whoa. 20 minutes to dismissal?" which was pretty convenient, as you can imagine. Our teachers are quite redundant, which can be a bore for most of us. When will they realize that we need a little flavor in our discussions? Dang. The teachers are joining forces to bury us in academic toil, and we're all but psyched. I hope we come out of this schoolyear unscathed.

(I'll miss the seniors, though. They've been great to us, and having to replace them seems like big shoes to fill. They're awesome.)

By the way, my mom got me this really cool Louis Vuitton bag today. Dayum, I love it, but I can't use it to school tomorrow since it's too small for all my stuff. And besides I have to lug around this bulky Tupperware for my lunch. And now you know that even high school juniors, somewhere in the world, still bring packed lunch from home. Pathetic.

Stranger sighting: I went to the mall with my mom. She had another urge to buy shoes (that's the fourth urge in two weeks). I was sitting on a chair, waiting for her to pick between the black gladiators and the ribbon wedges when I felt a hand on my lower back. Okay, strangely invasive. I turned to look at the bastard, when I saw a little boy. He was looking at me with awe, like I was the most ethereal thing in the world. And right then and there, I realized that in this mad world, there is still room for innocence.

Till next time.